Honey, we need to talk...

 

    There are five key factors to keep in mind when having a conversation.

1. Disarming technique. We’re not trying to intimidate our partners. Create a safe space.
2. Empathy. Listen to what the other person is saying. Genuine listening is not listening to respond, it’s listening to understand. 
3. Inquiry. Ask for clarification or elaboration if something isn’t clear. ex) “I would love to hear more about how you feel about...”
4. “I feel” statements. We can’t read each other’s  minds, we can’t feel each other’s emotions. Put feelings out there.
5. Stroking (not the manipulative way). Compliment each other and say things that you love about each other, share a long embrace, etc. Doing this can help diminish those heavy feelings after a deep or stressful conversation. Come back together.

    Vulnerability can be a frightening concept to put into practice. If you are someone who struggles to put your mind, experiences, requests, etc. out there, you are not alone! I am one of those people! It can be challenging to share those raw feelings that might not always be pretty. Some of the main reasons we struggle to be vulnerable are: 

• Difficulty feeling safe. Maybe some of you had parents that you didn’t feel you could talk to. It could be that some of you have been abused and manipulated for sharing intimate details about your life. This is why the disarming technique is so important. Vulnerability going both ways encourages one another to open up more.
• Don’t feel like our feelings are valid or important. Often we can easily brush things under the carpet as no big deal but then it piles up and creates this bump in the rug that you trip over later. Many times we suppress how we feel because we don’t think it’s important enough to bring up. Our feelings are always valid, real, and something that should be addressed early on so no pileup happens.
• Don’t want to appear as controlling. I struggle with this one. I’m fervent about allowing people to make the choices that they want to make and live their life however they want to. Everyone is entitled to make their own decisions and that’s not something I have control over; however, when something is hurting, concerning, or confusing me, it’s so important to express that. Many times our partners might not even realize that they might have been doing something to hurt us and wouldn’t know any better if we never communicated with them. 

    Think about a time where you had a conversation and held back saying things you wanted to get addressed. Did that issue ever resolve? If so, it probably took a lot longer than it could have. Now, look at it from the other side. Have you ever had a conversation about something with your SO, felt like it’s resolved, only to find out that they have wanted to say something different the entire time? How would that make you feel? It hurts and can be so discouraging. 

    I’ll share a personal example of how communicating can clear the air. My boyfriend works graveyard shifts and one day he went to bed somewhere around 11 am; however, he wanted to pick me up after my 1:45 pm class ended (I always encourage him to get sleep but he insists). I, unfortunately, wasn’t feeling good that day and wasn’t able to make it to that class, but forgot to let him know that I wouldn’t be there. He sent me a message letting me know he was there, to which I responded with an apology and informed him I was at my apartment and if he could pick me up from there. When he got there, I could tell he was upset. I immediately got a flood of negative emotions that were difficult to look past. I created a negative scenario in my head of what I thought he was feeling. I assumed that I knew why he was upset and accepted that as reality. 

When we got to our destination, he explained why he was upset. Unknown to me, he had gotten up earlier to warm up the car and the heated seat for me so that I wouldn’t have to walk back in the freezing weather. He was looking forward to helping me feel warm as I am notoriously cold all the time (and despise being cold). He expressed that he wanted to do those small acts of kindness for me and was discouraged that he didn’t have the opportunity to do that though he tried. 

    Almost completely opposite of what assumptions I had made before. Hearing his side of things replaced those (made up) negative emotions with warmth and appreciation for this man I have in my life. I saw his effort to contribute and show love and I was left with a soft and tender feeling. If he had never shared that, those negative assumptions would have stayed with me and there would have been unnecessary tension between us. After I shared how I felt, he later came up to me and embraced me. It felt amazing to know we were on the same page and were then able to let go of painful feelings.

    Take the time to talk to one another. Check in with each other with things often to make sure you’re both aligned. It can completely transform your relationship!